the intersection of life and grace

People watching is an integral part of my life. I’m keenly interested in how people interact with one another across lines of belief and culture. I notice details that many don’t, or at least never speak about.  I can’t turn this habit off, nor do I think I’d want to even though it frequently leads me to frustration. I’d prefer it more often led me to action.

One of the common threads woven into the fabric of those interactions which most often lead me to that place of frustration is when there is a distinct lack of respect displayed between people or groups.  It happens in such a wide array of venues – from politics to comedy to religion to schools – that giving respect may be a lost art.

Quite a few people I know would functionally define respect as “let me do my own thing, you do yours, and we won’t bother each other.” In this context, it is disrespectful to place an expectation, enforce a common rule, confront an injustice, or even simply acknowledge authority. I can see places in my life, and in my own walk of faith, where I have been guilty of applying this false definition of respect. I want to do better.

It’s possible that the true definition of the kind of respect to which I’m referring is lost.  I’ll clarify. I’m writing specifically of respect which gives consideration to another’s situation, idea or point-of-view, simply because it comes from another human being. In addition, respect holds that other person in esteem first – not only after it has been earned.  It doesn’t mean endorsing or agreeing.

Let me speak, for a moment, to the Church. In biblical terms, respect is 100% about seeking and serving the image of God in every human being; it means loving the sinner as we sinners are loved; it means submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.  It means something radical!  If we all – the Church – got a little closer to this and stopped paying special attention to behaviors that scare us, gross us out, and annoy us, we just might get better at being Jesus’ Body to a broken world.  I’m talking about Lordship, here, and it seems to me that we’ve got the wrong definition of respect working on that matter too, but that’s a different subject.

There are a lot of implications. One of these is that we get our priorities mixed up, and rather than stand with people (images of God, sinners like us who should be respected out of our own esteem for Jesus Christ), we stand against them or justify our silence. Ah, irony.

Today, April 16, is the Day of Silence. Sponsored by an organization called GLSEN, it is a day where students give up their voices (literally, don’t speak) to raise awareness of the injustices perpetrated against gay, lesbian, bi, and trans peers. Why doesn’t the Church stand with these students? Most discussion I’ve seen on the matter offers advice for talking to your kids about what the bible says about homosexuality so you can explain it to your gay friends. I don’t think that’s the biblical response. I know there are many who would argue to the contrary, I respect that. I think this part needs to come first.

Here are 3 ways anyone can stand with people who experience same-sex attraction to end the injustices they experience – without compromising their personal beliefs:

1. Eliminate the use of “gay”, “homo” and similar words from your own language and encourage others to do likewise. Think about what it means when the phrases “that’s so gay” or “dude, I like your shirt, no homo” are used.

2. Speak out against teasing, bullying, harassment, and physical violence against same-sex attracted people – especially youth. Give options for expressing and dealing with the feelings behind such actions in appropriate ways and places.

3. Educate yourself to become an agent of change and end the miscommunication between the Church and the GLBT communities. Read Andrew Marin‘s excellent book Love is An Orientation for some insight into ways that can be done.

None of these require the endorsement of any particular behavior beyond “love your neighbor as yourself”. All of these only require respecting the dignity of another human being.  What would you add to the list?

Here’s a bit of my review of Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors, published at Youth Ministry Exchange:

The central question of long-time youth minister and youth ministry consultant Mark Riddle’s book Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors – A Church Leader’s Guide to Staffing and Leading Youth Pastors asks “Why does your church want to hire a youth pastor?”  Touching on issues of community, leadership, communication, mentoring, and the value of youth in the church, Inside the Mind is foremost a tool for the local church to use in discerning how to build sustainable ministry to youth.

Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors is divided into two sections, the first of which, “Staffing for Youth Ministry”, directly addresses the questions surrounding the choice and reasons to hire a youth pastor.  This includes asking who should be involved in the process, what about the church culture needs to be taken into consideration (and potentially changed), and is addressed to both church leadership and congregations when discussing hiring a staff youth minister.  

Read the rest by clicking here.

I recently had the opportunity to read Mark Riddle’s new book, Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors.  Mark is a consultant for churches who are looking to staff for youth ministry as a part of the larger vision for their community and ministry – a holistic approach, you might call it.  The book is a good look into the hard questions churches would want to ask about youth ministry in their context, and goes on to give insight into how a healthy staff relationship between a senior pastor and a youth pastor might look.  

One of the “big ideas” that struck me from Inside the Mind was Mark’s brief discussion of the optimal age of a youth pastor.  You can see that previous discussion here.

After I read the book, I had the opportunity to send several questions to Mark, which he has answered, and I’ve posted below.  My questions are in italics, Mark’s answers are indented. We invite your discussion.

Even though the book is called Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors, you spend considerable time making the case for getting inside the mind of congregations, pastors and leadership, parents and communities.  While that could have made for an incredibly cumbersome title, can you talk a bit about the essential nature of honest and open communication among all those parties in the process of establishing a sustainable youth ministry? 

Too many times people in the church, whether they be paid or not, live with assumptions about the roles we play in the church family.  We assume people think like we do, believe what we believe and value what we value.  Parents assume things about you as a youth pastor based on their experiences with youth pastors in their past. They often interpret you through the lens of their past experiences. Youth pastors do this with others as well.  Dialogue is the fundamental way in which we see people differently. Dialogue is how we extricate ourselves from the past and create an environment in which transformation can occur.  I talk about this a bit in the chapter on assumptions and inference, but it’s really through out the book.  I didn’t want to put myself in a place where I was speaking on behalf of youth pastors, or senior pastor, so I included questions at the end of each chapter to help encourage conversation with the various people you mention here.  The future of staffing within the church will be lead by those who understand the dynamics of dialogue and practice them everyday.

There are likely churches which have never considered some of the questions you raise in the first section of the book.  How would you encourage a pastor or congregation that it is worth the investment of time and energy to work through the process?  

In the first section of the book I talk about the need to seriously think about why you have a youth ministry, and how unhealthy it is to put a youth pastor at the center of the youth ministry of a church.  There’s always a temptation for me to try to convince church leaders that they need to change, but that is my issue not theirs.  I’m way more interested in working with a church leader who reads the book and says, “You’ve been reading my mail.” Or “We’ve hired youth pastors for the wrong reasons and we’re ready to change.”  That’s an exciting moment because a church leader has come to some conclusions on their own.  I personally don’t find much value in trying to convince or persuade a church leader of the need to change because the change is hard work.  If I can persuade you this afternoon that you need change, when the work starts it will persuade you that it’s not worth the effort.   As a result, people generally find me when they want to change.  Of course all of this talk is easy for me as I sit outside the situation. It’s much different for the youth pastor inside.  But this points more to the question of long-term sustainable dialogue with church leaders.  Hopefully the book will help some youth pastors and senior pastors make some break throughs.  It’s why I wrote the book. I felt like 80% of what the seminars talk about at the National Youth conventions tell youth pastors to do is not possible, because the church leaders aren’t included in the conversation.  But when it comes down to it, the church leader has to make the decision that they want a healthy youth ministry.

Following up on that, do you believe that “the average” congregation can successfully accomplish the process without an objective moderator, whether a consultant or another caring, but non-partisan person?

Such an interesting question. First I’d say that having a third party is very helpful, I’ve seen the benefits of it first hand. I’ll say that there are no objective third parties.  Everyone comes with a history, a perspective, a set of values  etc. The job of a consultant is to understand their biases and to the degree they can, set them aside so that they can truly listen, but also bring them to the table when the situation warrants.  There is something very helpful to a community to have someone who is differentiated enough to say what they see is really going on and give insights that can church leaders can engage so they can make things better.  Is it possible without someone from the outside?  I’m optimistic.

You touched on the concept of the elongation of adolescence and how that might impact establishing a healthy youth ministry by encouraging hiring “older” (25+) youth pastors.  I could hear screams from Bible college and Christian college youth ministry departments from coast to coast as I read that.  How do you think that 2-3 years between graduation at age 22-23 could constructively be spent by those who sense a vocational calling to ministry with students and families?  

I’m not going to write a prescription for late adolescent involvement, but I’ll say that putting a 20-25 year old person in charge, especially in what I call a Church A model is often destructive for the church they lead in AND maybe more often in the lives of the person in leadership.  There are always exceptions. A 20-25 year old person has a lot to offer the church and a lot to learn.  Leadership depends often on wisdom and wisdom comes from experience.  So late adolescents should be involved in youth ministry, in every way shape and form. They should have incite into the politics of the church and the tough decisions leaders make. But in my opinion they don’t need to be in charge of the spiritual formation of a communities teenagers and their parents.  I’ve yet to find anyone over 30 who disagrees with me on this issue. 

As I read, there were a number of moments where I saw my own youth ministry experiences, both good and difficult, reflected in the stories you shared. There is encouragement in knowing that there is shared experience, sadness in knowing there is shared pain and frustration.  One place I see in the book that will have some common “ah ha” for all parties to a conversation about youth ministry is the section about the Ladder of Inference, and the effects of our filling in the blanks with faulty assumptions.  As you’re aiding churches in this process, do you find exploring that area of communication to be a place of transformational opportunity? 

I appreciate your encouragement. I’m glad the stories in the book seemed to be telling your story in some way.  The Ladder of Inference is an amazing tool developed by Chris Argyris.  “Climbing the ladder” has become an important part of the conversation among leaders in church I work with.  Because it helps us pause before we leap to assumptions about others, their motives and their character.  It’s also helpful to help church leaders unpack their past experiences and begin to truly see the people in front of them.  

The section on teamwork, loyalty and looking out for each other would seem to be important for both small and large church staffs.  Since there are a great many more small church staffs, 2-3 people where each person’s job description drips with “additional duties as assigned” ink, would you talk a bit about what healthy team work looks like in those situations?  

A great team believes the best about each other. They regularly engage in conflict and it makes them appreciate each other better and thus brings them together.  They embody trust.  They see each member as inherently valuable with something unique to add to the solution. Great teams cover for each other as well. They willingly absorb a complaint about another staff person and apologize as if they themselves where the person who wronged the individual. They speak encouraging words about other team members to others and they speak the truth when it needs to be said, in the right setting. 

What do you hope would happen if a church with a youth pastor on staff already works through Inside the Mind together with the appropriate leadership and come to the conclusion that they’re not the right fit?  Not that they’re bad people, or ungifted… simply not the right fit in significant areas the process considers?  

If a community moves from Church A to Church B with a youth pastor on staff it’s difficult to image a scenario in which it wouldn’t work.  Church B allows the youth pastor to be themselves more than Church A does.  In fact Church B empowers a youth pastor to do what they are good at, but it empowers the congregation to own all of the ministry.  Of course there are people who don’t fit into Church B.  You are probably not a fit as a staff person for Church B if you can’t work with adults at all, or feel you must hold all the power yourself.  If you feel that you have nothing to learn, or that you don’t want input from others then you will struggle with leading in Church B as well.  Certainly they aren’t bad people, but not great fits for the process I talk about in Inside the Mind.  Frankly I personally wouldn’t hire those folks for any kind of church leadership though. But that’s just me.

For clarity though, Church B means that all of the youth ministry is owned by the congregation. So in churches I’ve personally worked with that implement the process, the church owns every detail, from bulletin announcements, reserving transportation for a trip, event planning, programming, relational ministry etc. It’s all owned by the church.  The youth pastor gets to be with God and be with people and do what they are good at. So if a youth pastor is a gifted speaker, let them speak. Etc.

Thanks for asking such great questions Patti!

Thanks for writing a book to help the church think differently about youth ministry, Mark!

The life of St. Patrick, known as the apostle of Ireland, bears no resemblance to the festivities most of us in America associate with the day. As with many holidays, St. Patrick’s day has become a celebration of Irish heritage through traditions that have nothing to do with Patrick himself, and often have little even to do with Ireland. More so, the parades, green beer/rivers/food/clothing are uniquely American.

Patrick was a witness to the Gospel among the people of Ireland – at that time, a people unreached for Christ. Patrick was born in Scotland, the son of Roman nobles. At age 16 he was kidnapped and forced into slavery in Ireland, during which time he grew in his devotion and faith in spite of his circumstances. God used this time of slavery to give Patrick understanding of the native language, the druid religion, and the culture – all of which would become essential to his service to God as a missionary to Ireland later in his life.  Read more about Patrick here and here.

In the prayer of St. Patrick, said to have been composed as he faced fierce opposition from the Druids, shows his dedication to Christ alone, the source of his faith and strength.  This version is a more literal translation from the Irish language:

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God’s Power to guide me,
God’s Might to uphold me,
God’s Wisdom to teach me,
God’s Eye to watch over me,
God’s Ear to hear me,
God’s Word to give me speech,
God’s Hand to guide me,
God’s Way to lie before me,
God’s Shield to shelter me,
God’s Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.

Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

Today, I’m praying for God to use the circumstances of the lives of those who love him to teach us to reach whole cultures for him, in the way of Patrick. Rath Dé ort! (May the grace of God be with you!)

Believers, Christ-followers of any denominational and doctrinal stripe – I’m talking to you. And me.  Stop it. The whining.  The complaining.  Really.  Before you speak, or type, another word about:

• a devotional practice or church tradition you have never participated in and therefore believe it must be specifically prohibited by scripture
• a politician or government policy, or the President, with clearly ill-considered sarcasm and disrespect  and nary an ounce of constructive thought (much less action)
• you get the idea, right?

I see a lot of facebook status updates (and their attendant comments), and twitter updates, and blog comments, and forum comments over the course of a week.  I have to say, a lot of them are whining or complaining.  The rest are fine – running commentary on life.

I’m only talking about the sort that fling sarcastic, unhappy criticism out into the cyber world and are never followed up with contstructive action thereafter.  Think – there are a lot of people who can see what you’ve said on the internet, people who may not be your direct “friends” on a particular social network.  They may not all be as smart, enlightened, mature, or skilled in discerning satire as are you.  And, in the written word, that discernment is mighty difficult because 85% of communication is non-verbal.  Words are evocative, and 100% open to interpretation.  [Public service announcement pause to tell you that I am completely calm, not angry, and not kidding about the subject of this post.]

Therefore, before you or I type another sarcastic, caustic, crushing word on your blog,  a disucssion forum, facebook or twitter status… stop.  Are you representing Christ accurately? Are you doing more than throwing words into air?  If not, why not?

What do the scriptures say about tearing each other down?

How about tearing down those who do not believe?

Maybe, even if you don’t practice the penitential season of Lent, you could just try, for the next 7 weeks, to:

“[S]et an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity. Until I come, devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to preaching and to teaching. Do not neglect your gift, which was given you through a prophetic message when the body of elders laid their hands on you.

Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.” [1 Timothy 4:12b-16]

And:

“You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” [Galatians 5:13-15]

We can communicate more clearly, more effectively, if we first heeding Paul’s teaching about his message (that of Christ) to the Corinthians in written and personally-spoken form:

“You are looking only on the surface of things. If anyone is confident that he belongs to Christ, he should consider again that we belong to Christ just as much as he. For even if I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building you up rather than pulling you down, I will not be ashamed of it. I do not want to seem to be trying to frighten you with my letters. For some say, “His letters are weighty and forceful, but in person he is unimpressive and his speaking amounts to nothing.” Such people should realize that what we are in our letters when we are absent, we will be in our actions when we are present” [2 Corinthians 10:7-11]

Don’t hide behind your computer screen if you aren’t going to act on the words in real life.

Almighty and everlasting God, you hate nothing you have made and forgive the sins of all who are penitent; Create and make in us new and contrite hearts, that we, worthily lamenting our sins and acknowledging our wretchedness, may obtain of you, the God of all mercy, perfect remission and forgiveness; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, on God, for ever and ever. Amen. [Book of Common Prayer, p. 217]

In traditional Christian practice, today begins a season of reflection, fasting, introspection for the purpose of repentance and renewed relationship with Almighty God; through the remission of our sins and the forgiveness available by the Cross we approach more closely each day of our Lenten journey.  In short, a check point, a tune up, a time to set aside some comforts and distractions and listen to what God has done, and wants to do.

Perhaps, in the listening, we’ll find those places where God wants to bring us closer to him; where he wants us to yield to his better way; where he will heal us, teach us, refine us.  If we set aside some comforts and distractions and listen for a short season, only a few weeks purposed to uncluttering as we consider Jesus Christ’s approach to the Cross in humilating horror, the fait d’accompli we fallen made necessary, and of which we fallen only can receive the benefit.  Stunning.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?  For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees,  and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.  Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.

[Hebrews 12:1-14, ESV]

I want to get my youth ministry and church leadership audience to chime in on something, if you will. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been reading Mark Riddle‘s new book Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors: A Church Leader’s Guide to Staffing and Leading Youth Pastors. I’m writing a review of the book for YMX, and Mark has graciously agreed to answer a slew of questions I sent him and make this humble blog a stop on his blog book tour.

I’ve been thinking a lot about one of the book’s shortest chapters (12), which addresses the elongation of adolescence and the resulting effect that should have on youth pastor hiring decisions. I asked Mark about it so we will eventually hear his input on this question when the blog tour interview appears.

Let me set the stage a bit. Mark, in Inside the Mind, cites research by Dr. Jeffery Arnett (Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from Late Teens through the Twenties) which makes a compelling case that, developmentally, the years from 18 to 25 should be considered late adolescence. The characteristics of this developmental stage, Mark argues, should be carefully considered in choosing to hire someone from this cohort as a spiritual leader for those in earlier stages of adolescence.

From Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors, Ch 12, p 82:

If, however, you choose to hire an emerging adult to lead your youth ministry, you must give significant attention to mentoring that person in leadership and discipleship.  Teenagers need their youth pastors to have a strong sense of who they are, based on life experiences.  They need youth pastors who have a sense of stability in their identities.

Certainly there are men and women in their early to mid-20s who fit the bill, but they are few and far between.  Church leaders need to dispel the myth that younger is better for youth ministry leadership.  It’s simply not true.  In fact, entrusting spiritual leadership of your teenage children to someone who’s still working through the five characteristics [of late adolescence] listed earlier [in the chapter] is irresponsible.

While there is a lot of that which makes good sense to me – considering that car insurance and rental companies have considered this age group less capable of responsible decision-making and judgment in general, and have run their businesses accordingly for, well, ever.  That doesn’t change the fact that the vast majority of youth pastors/minister/directors I have ever had contact with got their start in youth ministry as volunteers or staff as young adults in their early 20s.

So, I’m wondering what you think about this.  And, if you agree, what are your constructive ideas for ways to bridge the time from the end of college to age 25 for those who have earned ministry degrees, but are not yet “adults” by this developmental measure?

Last weekend was the annual Youth For Christ high school student leadership conference, Excel. In keeping with the event’s theme “Compelled by His love” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15) my daughter was among those invited to share about something each did in response to Christ’s compelling love. You can hear both of the students who spoke in the Sunday morning general session being interviewed by Excel Conference Director Dave Lenehan in the video below.

The event Cathie spoke of is The Pro-Life Day of Silent Solidarity, and further information can be found at www.silentday.org.

Those of you who read these posts via RSS or email may not notice the side column section titled “Others’ View”.  It contains items from blogs I regularly read that I find interesting or challenging, and I share them through my Google Reader’s shared items function.  You can visit the site, or subscribe to that RSS here, or Google users can connect with me to see my shared items in their own GReader.

Moments ago I shared an item called “The Pope’s Comments About Gays and Lesbians” from Andrew Marin’s blog Love is An Orientation.  I recently had the opportunity to spend some time with Andy, he’s the real deal.  A Bible-believing, passion-driven human who can’t stand the injustice he sees perpetrated by Christians against one small segment of the population who are same-sex attracted.  I can’t wait to read Andy’s book, coming from IVP in April 2009, and also called Love is An Orientation.  I think it’s a HUGE, much needed, paradigm shift in the “no, my way” “no, my way” conversation (can you even call it a conversation?) that rages in the Church.

Please go read the post.  I’d love to hear your thoughts.  Click here… go read it!

This video blew me away. It’s an episode of “Penn says”, the podcast of Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller, in which he tells about an encounter with a man after a show, and that man’s gift of bible to Penn.  A kick in the guts quote:

I don’t respect people who don’t proselytize I don’t respect that at all. if you believe that there’s a heaven and hell, and people could be going to hell, or not getting eternal life, or whatever, and you think well it’s not really worth telling this because it would be socially awkward…how much do you have to hate someone to believe that everlasting life was possible, and not tell them that?

Watch the whole video below.

HT to Mark, Chris