the intersection of life and grace

USA Today offers a fascinating article on the difficulties young adult men are having finding their role and right behavior in a culture that is sending mixed messages.  Young guys try to read society’s road map for success quotes a number of social science researchers.  I’d encourage you to read it all, but here is an excerpt:

In the past, images of manhood glorified drinking and womanizing, researchers say, but today, they note, there seems to be equal pressure to be sensitive.

“A large proportion of young males view drinking and having sexual conquests as the appropriate way to begin to prove they are an adult male,” Good says. “Their male peers are saying ‘Be tough’ and girls are saying ‘Tell me about your feelings.”

Guys pal around and do “guy” things, like play video games, talk sports, watch porn, binge-drink and hook up, which sociologist and gender studies expert Michael Kimmel of Stony Brook University-New York discusses in his new book Guyland. It’s based on surveys of 13,000 students at 17 colleges about sexual “hooking up.” And he interviewed 400 young men, most in their 20s.

“The middle-class white idea of proving masculinity becomes the dominant form on campuses today. It’s more intense and pervasive than ever before,” he says.

Not surprisingly, a sidebar piece about additional research advances the idea that parents are most responsible for the messages that their sons receive, saying:

A lot of the mixed messages that young men get about gender and sexuality come from their parents, new research suggests.

A study of 92 male high school students recently presented to the American Psychological Association took a closer look at the extent of the messages and their effects.

Nineteen percent said they got “a lot of messages” about two seemingly conflicting ideas: being tough and being nice. The messages were specific verbal comments or implicit unspoken ones.

“They did endorse that they felt conflicted,” says researcher Marina Epstein of the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor, noting the most commonly heard message was to “be nice.”

Half reported at least one set of conflicting messages; the more conflicting messages they got, the more confused they felt.

Other messages involved endorsing either traditional roles or gender equality. Messages promoting equality were associated with greater body esteem and parental attachment; messages endorsing the idea that sexual activity is OK for guys but not girls were associated with more sexual partners and more alcohol use.

Much of what I read in the article felt like “common sense” to me, but there is a cultural shift that caught my attention as both a parent and a youth worker. I wished that the online article linked to the research, as well.

As parents, adults who are involved in the lives of youth, how much attention do you pay to your verbal and non-verbal messages about gender roles?

As a youth worker, what steps are you taking to ensure that your teaching offers help to navigating cultural gender messages for both young men and young women?

As pastors to families, what resources have you found to share with parents that help in raising young men and women of character as regards their own role, and that of the other gender?

It’s not any kind of a secret at all that I love baseball.  I also have a growing love of minor league baseball.  Three quick thoughts about why: inexpensive; live baseball; raw talent.

Last night I got to combine my love for baseball, fan loyalty for the NY Mets, and an evening out with my family and good friends, and head over to the lovely Joe Bruno Stadium to see the Mets single-A affiliate Brooklyn Cyclones play the local Astros single A affiliate Tri-City Valley Cats.  I’m happy to report that the Mets farm hands out did their MLB parent, taking the set 8-3 (see the play-by-play here or read the story here). We’ve enjoyed several Valley Cats games this year, it’s a fun night out.

Maybe the most fun part of last night’s game was paying my $7.35 for my e-ticket and getting to sit in the front row adjacent to first base (and the visitor’s dugout).  That means a field-level view of the game, and of two buzzed-about players – Brooklyn’s Ike Davis and Tri-City’s Phil Disher, both first basemen.  There are a  number of excellent players on the Cyclones!  I wasn’t disappointed, and even nearly got my camera smashed by a hit that bounced off the wall in front of me (and stayed in play for Davis to field right in front of me).  That was awesome!  No, I didn’t get a picture… can you say ‘deer in headlights’?! 

Here are a couple of shots I did get of those two at work – Valley Cats in white, Brooklyn in gray – you can click for a larger view.

Today was the day we moved Tim into his dorm room at the College of Saint Rose.  As we arrived, no fewer than 15 green t-shirt wearing students clapped and cheered and emptied our car of Tim’s belongings and carried them into the designated room in Brubacher Hall‘s west wing (the front, right section of the photo).

We proceeded to unpack, make a Wal-Mart run for a bookcase (because a college dorm room doesn’t need one of those as standard issue?), watch Tom assemble the bookcase, and then get some lunch together.

Tim’s roommate arrived shortly after we did, so for a while there were 6 people arranging belongings in a 12×12 room. Frankie is from Long Island, also brought 2 guitars, and is a Mets fan, so things there got off to a good start between them.

In other moving news, our friend Stacy, who has lived with our family for a little over 3 years, also moved a few more of her belongings to the apartment she’ll be sharing with a co-worker of hers.  Tonight, Tom, Cathie and I are hanging out at home (and Cathie’s not letting the funny little stuffed elephant wearing the Saint Rose t-shirt that Tim gave her today get far away from her).  Soon, there will be “last minute” preparations for her return to school at the top of the list.

For those wondering, I’m doing fine.  Everyone I talk to seems to ask me, so I thought I’d just share that.  Of course I’ll miss my guy! I’m sure we’ll chat on IM, trade texts, and catch up from time to time on the phone, and, after all, he’s just 2 miles away!  We’ll always be here for him. But, especially after all he’s been through, I’m looking forward to seeing him gain his footing, thrive and grow into his own life and choices;  stretch beyond the limits he thinks are there; study the sound engineering and music topics that have been his passion since he was 8-years-old; and, most of all, become the man God has purposed him to be.

Apologies for the quiet; it tends to happen whenever there’s a whole lot on my plate.  I will get to the skribit suggestions soon (you can add to the list in the box in the first column to the right, or by clicking here).  But for now, I’ll share a bit of what I’ve been up to these past blog-quiet days.

YM Women

One of the work projects I’ve been most excited about is working with Carrie at YS to support the relaunch of the YM Women initiative on the web.  YM Women is “the ministry of YS that speaks to the personal, professional and spiritual needs of women in youth ministry” – it has existed for a few years, offering some resources and networking opportunities at the NYWC events and by sending resources out via email for use in local small group gatherings.

Last week was the official opening of a dedicated forum section nestled inside the YMX forums (click here to read more), but visible only to females who request access at registration.  Current female YMX forum members need only send me a message and their settings can be quickly updated.

The opening was fun, there’s a great core of users building, and I look forward to seeing the section grow as a resource to women involved in youth ministry.  If you’re a Facebook user, there’s a YMWomen page there to connect with, as well as a YMWomen twitter to follow.

One interesting reaction to the re-launch of YM Women came from some of the men of the YMX forums.  They made the point that men in youth ministry also have unique perspective, challenges and needs they would use some dedicated/private space to discuss.  Some cited known struggles/issues for men in ministry (like pornography), while others raised the much-less-dicussed concern of the feminization of the church/church staff with it’s related potential issues.  I hadn’t considered that in many (likely main line) denominations there could be a situation where a male YP is the only male on the pastoral staff, bringing the possibility of the inverse women in ministry have historically faced.  So, we’ll see what comes of that idea, but I hope it gets traction in a positive way.

Busyness

Irony is one of God’s favorite tools, isn’t it?  I’m working on a writing project on the general subject of busyness during the time period my son’s preparations for college and dorm living need to be completed, and lots of family activity is going on to boot.  He moves into the dorm on Saturday and even as I write is upstairs folding his clothes for packing.  In addition to those preparations, we’ve had a flurry of medical appointments, school shopping trips, the start of Cathie’s swim team practices, and lots more.  This afternoon, Cathie and I will head over to Albany High for her junior (!) orientation the primary purpose of which is advertised to be school pictures, IDs, locker assignments, and probably some rule stating as well.

Of course, none of it fits into my preferred “batch the trips” mode, and yesterday allowed me the frustrating privilege of driving 50 miles to and from these various necessary stops but never getting more than 5 miles from my house.  Mind-boggling.

David Crowder*Band Review

One extremely fun assignment in the past week was the opportunity to review the freshly released Remedy Club Tour CD/DVD set from David Crowder*Band.  A full-length live concert, a complete audio recording of the same concert, and some fantastic bonus features (like learning each part of the song from the musicians in the band, and having the ability to activate chord & lyric subtitles for the concert to play and sing along) made it a fun evening watching with Tim and Cathie (bonus time!).  You can read the complete review and see a promo video here at YMX.

What have you been up to so far this week?

Was looking for a different video when I found this today.  I have a friend who loves to say that he’s crazy enough to want to change the world – so this is for you, Adam.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI2Dka1QIHk]

Those of you who visit the blog in person may have already noticed the little box under the subscription options titled “What Should I Write About?”  It’s a virtual suggestion box, with a social twist.  Make a suggestion, yes, please do!  You can also vote on the suggestions others have made for a little social suggesting.

If you’re reading via a feed reader or email, you can make and vote on suggestions, too, by clicking here.

Why am I doing this?  I want to know what you’d like to read about!  What burning questions do you have?  What do you want to know about me, my work, my experience, my faith… ask away!

Today was the end of my design contest at 99designs.  In all there were 74 different submissions from 28 designers over the 7 days, each working to represent the business I described to them.  If you click here you can see the winning design, and many of the others (some were withdrawn before the end).

The design I chose fit the fun and professional look I was hoping for. And I’m looking forward to putting it to use on cards, documents and a new website.  Thanks to all of you who shared your preferences and input with me!

Did you see last night’s Olympic swimming?  Specifically the men’s 4x100m relay?  If you missed it, go watch it here right now!

Now we’re off to Albany High to get Cathie’s athletic dept paperwork finished for for swim team (practice starts next week).

It’s been a long time since I’ve visited a church as a “regular person.”  I’ve been to a lot of churches over the years, but generally either with a friend who is an attender of that church or sometimes because I’ve been invited to speak.  This morning the family and I headed over to Northway Church‘s newest campus in Colonie to check it out as a possible college church for Tim. 

We arrived about 10 minutes before the service and found our way into the building.  We were warmly welcomed by the folks at the door on the way in and given a leaflet with information about the current teaching series, Hello My Name is God (click here to see or listen to messages from NC), and general info about NC’s ministry.  Tim filled in the visitor information, and was interested to see that they have a need for volunteers in their production crew.  As a multi-site church with a contemporary worship style, there is plenty of technology around to support the worship band and the message simulcast from the Clifton Park campus. 

The preacher today was Mark Batterson, pastor of National Community Church in Washington DC, whose message was delivered in person at Clifton Park and to those of us in Colonie on a large screen.  It was a good message focusing on the parable of the rich young ruler (Mt. 19), and touching on themes from Batterson’s forthcoming book, Wild Goose Chase. 

While the satellite campus, multi-site model of church is growing like crazy, it felt pretty strange to me to watch the preacher on the big screen and having no interaction with him as a congregation.  We could hear there was interaction with the CP congregation, but it felt a little disconnected to me.  That doesn’t make it bad; it was different. 

Speaking of things different, the whole service took 63 minutes.  For those keeping score, that’s about half the length of a typical service at Christ Church.  Another difference, after the friendly people at the door said welcome, we didn’t talk to anyone else (and no one talked to us either), and we didn’t immediately see anyplace for interaction after the service either.  In following the people ahead of us out of the sanctuary door, we found ourselves in the flow of people to the parking lot, so we left.  Tim wants to make another visit, and I’m hoping the info he gave them is followed-up soon.

I wasn’t happy with my own efforts at designing a logo for Verbitude, so I opted to take the job to 99designs, an online designer marketplace.  The process has been fun, and the quality (and number) of the submissions is fantastic!  But, it’s getting to the point that I’m going to need to make a decision.  If you want to give me input, go and take a look at what’s there (you can read the input, “the brief”, I gave the designers initially, as well as any back-and-forth with the individual designers by clicking on the thumbnails of the entries).  Leave a comment here about which you like best and why.

I’m hoping to be using this logo for a long time, and your input is important to me! Go here to look at my design page.