If you’ve been around me much these past few weeks, you may have noticed that I’m struggling to keep it together — and failing pretty often. There’s a lot going on in life, more than an average level of upheaval in life and ministry, and, if I’m to be true to living authentically, I need to be present to that in all its diversity of joy, pain and in-between.
I don’t have much of a poker face when it comes to my own emotions. Some would say that’s a good thing. Others, who have witnessed the unwitting stepping on of a thin spot in my composure, might say that I really need to get it together. You’re both probably correct!
While I’m certain that leaving my staff position at Christ’s Church Albany is the right move for the church and for me in the long run, in the short term it is stretching all kinds of limits and poking at every insecurity ever known to me. Hello, spiritual warfare — I see you and you won’t win. All will be alright; we’re a resilient bunch. I’m grateful to have been able to serve in this role, though I vacillate between it having been a mistake in the first place (in spite of having accomplished much and helped to build the foundation of something amazing) and wanting to stay (because change is hard and I’ll deeply miss the way our staff team relates). I’ve cried a lot of conflicted tears, a few angry ones, and rivers of ‘this is hard and I don’t like it’ ones. Thank you to those who have listened, loved and prayed.
I have one Sunday and a few weekdays remaining. Ninety-nine percent of the work I won’t be doing anymore is handed off — a lot to volunteers and some to the other staff. I’m grateful for the culture of empowerment we value at our church. I’m close to a decision on what’s next and have just a couple more steps in that process before I can say publicly what that will be. I’m nervous about committing, to be honest. It doesn’t have anything to do with fit; the position is literally custom-made for me and would be a great adventure in some familiar territory. The nerves have to do with making this decision in the midst of the emotional minefield that owns me right now.
First, however, I need to keep trusting (trust better!) and keep walking (even if the steps are tentative right now). Maybe you’ve felt like this, too?
I pray you all have a joyful celebration of Jesus over these next few days. If you’re in Albany and need a group of people with whom to celebrate, I recommend these folks — love and party guaranteed. I’ll see you there!